DEAR DEIDRE: SEX with my hunky man out in the Mediterranean was incredible, but that’s all it ever was – a bit of passion. He wouldn’t commit to anything else.
We worked together on a cruise ship. He was one of the physical trainers and I am part of the client care team. He’s 34 and I’m 28.
I never even thought he had noticed me. He’s so fit, with bulging biceps and a smile that could win over any girl.
One afternoon I was having a fight with the printer when he came into the office to ask about some admin.
He saw I was struggling so he opened the machine and unjammed it for me.
I was red with exasperation but when he fixed it, I was so grateful. With a cheeky grin, he winked and said, “Meet me after my shift later and you can repay me.”
I thought he was joking and decided to play along. Still, I was surprised when he actually turned up at one of the bars once we had finished work.
After a few drinks, he walked me back to my cabin and came in. He kissed me and expertly peeled my clothes off me.
Somehow the sex felt right. He was so experienced. Our meetings for sex continued for a few weeks. I thought the more we did it, the more he would want me.
But then he told me he was leaving to work for rich Americans in a posh hotel in the South of France.
He has been texting, telling me he has “been having fun” so I know what that means.
He has asked me to visit him in France the next time I’m off work. Should I go?
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DEIDRE SAYS: If you are happy to have no-strings sex with a guy who plays around then yes, go for it.
But your description of your situation suggests you want an open and honest relationship with someone who treats you as exclusive.
If you are keen for commitment, why pursue something with somebody who is clearly a player and focused on no-strings sex?
Working on a cruise liner may mean it is difficult to find someone who is also ready for a relationship, but you could use it to your advantage.
Finding a new hobby or interest is a great way to meet people. If you have access to that on the boat, it will give you a chance to expand your horizons and you may meet somebody new in the process.
DEAR DEIDRE: MY girlfriend has finally admitted to me that having sex together hurts her. I knew there was something wrong.
We’ve been together for three months and started to have a sexual relationship about a month ago.
She told me she’d had two boyfriends before and as we are both 24, I thought she’d have had sex with them.
I tried my best in bed but she never seemed to really enjoy it.
Yesterday when we passed a lingerie shop, I suggested she might like some new items for her birthday.
She said, “I’m sorry but I don’t really enjoy sex. It’s so uncomfortable”.
I was shocked. She said she had done it to please me but she’s happy kissing and cuddling.
DEIDRE SAYS: A bad early sexual experience may have made her tense up or perhaps her family upbringing has made her feel sex is shameful, so she finds it difficult to relax.
If she is willing to try again, make sure she communicates when she’s fully aroused before you try full intercourse.
Focus on making her feel good and use extra lubrication if needs be.
Start by kissing and cuddling her and ask her where to put your hands.
If you attempt sex and it’s still hurting, stop. There’s no rush. Try again another time.
My support pack Help For Painful Sex explains more.
DEAR DEIDRE: JUST two months before our wedding, my fiancée has dropped a bombshell. She doesn’t want kids.
I’m a man of 28 and she’s 26. We met at work, an accounts office where she is our marketing director. She’s driven and highly regarded at the company – one of the things that attracted me to her.
We’ve been dating for two years and I proposed last Christmas.
As we were doing some final planning for our wedding, I told her I couldn’t wait to be a dad in the next few years.
With an awkward laugh, she replied: “I don’t want children. I thought I’d told you that.” She hadn’t.
I really want to have kids in my future. Now I am so worried I can’t sleep. Should I call things off?
DEIDRE SAYS: If this is a deal breaker then you must talk to her again. Plenty of people have children and a career but it takes a bit of juggling.
If she definitely doesn’t want kids and you do, there’s no compromise.
If this is something you want for your future then better to tell her now than go to the expense of having a wedding and ending your relationship somewhere down the line.
If you’re going round in circles, suggest you have some couples counselling before you commit to marriage, though a counsellor at Tavistock Relationships (020 7380 1975, ).
DEAR DEIDRE: I FOUND a piece of paper in my car with a list of my good and bad points, alongside another man’s name, using the same scoring method. He had seven more plus points than me.
It must have fallen out of my girlfriend’s handbag before I dropped her off.
We are both 20 and at university. We had been home for reading week. My parents are 30 miles away from hers so we arranged to spend some time together.
She has a friend who she’s known from school. He’s the same age as us. She sees him a lot when she’s home. He works in a call centre and I’ve met him once.
A while ago she admitted to me that they almost got together when she was 17. They were about to kiss when her mum walked in. She has liked him ever since.
As she is with me now, I didn’t dwell on it. But discovering this piece of paper, as I packed the car to go back to university, has totally thrown me.
Now I’m wondering if something has been happening between them. Does she prefer him?
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s time to lay your cards on the table and tell her what you found. If you’re honest and firm about what this relationship means to you, you have a better chance to beat this guy hands down.
Where did you fall short? Can you do anything about that?
Explain that you are not going to hang around while she weighs up whether you make the cut or he does.
If she chooses you, then the friendship with the other guy must stop. She must stop playing games and commit to you or it’s over.
My support pack Standing Up For Yourself may help you to get the message across to her that you won’t be second best.
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