My perfect husband has turned into someone I don’t know – but I’m struggling to find the courage to leave him
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN we wed a year ago, I thought I’d found the perfect husband. But he has now turned into someone I don’t recognise.
I’m 33, he’s 36 and we’ve been together for two and a half years.
For the first year of dating, he was charming, romantic and treated me like a queen. I felt like I was living a dream, and he was everything I had ever wanted in a partner.
So when he got down on one knee, I couldn’t help myself from jumping into a marriage with him.
I was so excited to spend the rest of my life with him — until his personality completely changed.
Now he thinks he’s God’s gift, and constantly flirts with other women in front of me — whether it’s my friends, my sister, waitresses, or shop assistants.
He’s rude, disrespectful and just completely dismissive of my feelings.
He also seems to think it’s his right to behave however he wants in our home.
He constantly walks around mostly naked, even when we have guests or receive deliveries. He doesn’t do anything to help around the house and leaves a mess for me to clean up.
The worst part is his attitude — he speaks to me horribly, refuses to take responsibility for anything, and won’t even consider my feelings. He says it’s his house and he’ll do what he pleases.
I want to leave him, but I’m struggling to find the courage.
I’m scared of what life might look like without him, but I can’t keep living like this.
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READ MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: It is understandable that you’re struggling with this. It can be incredibly painful when someone you thought was your soulmate starts treating you with such disregard and disrespect.
His behaviour is unacceptable, and you don’t deserve to be treated this way, especially in your own home. You are right to question the relationship.
His lack of respect for you and your boundaries, along with his refusal to take responsibility for his actions, shows that he doesn’t value you or your feelings.
His behaviour isn’t something that will change, unless he acknowledges it.
You need to have an honest conversation with him and tell him what changes you need to see, otherwise you’ll have no choice but to leave.
If nothing changes, consider what you truly want, moving forward.
If leaving is the best option, my support pack, Ending A Relationship, will help you.
IRRESISTIBLE URGE MAKES LIFE REALLY MISERABLE
DEAR DEIDRE: NO matter what I do, I can’t stop pulling my hair out.
I’m a 42-year-old woman, and have battled this habit since I was a teenager.
It all began during a stressful time at school, and over the years it’s become something I do without even realising.
When I’m anxious or bored, the urge overwhelms me. I’ve tried to stop so many times, but it never works, and I’m left feeling guilty and disgusted with myself.
It has left visible patches on my scalp, and affects my self-esteem. I often avoid mirrors and dread social events because I feel like everyone’s staring at me.
I’ve tried to tie my hair up to hide the damage and have even invested in wigs, but I still feel so low.
I want more than anything to break free from this, but I don’t know how. I feel ashamed and embarrassed. Please help.
DEIDRE SAYS: The urge to pull your hair, known as trichotillomania, is often linked to anxiety and stress. It’s important to understand that this is not a simple habit – it’s a psychological condition that can be hard to overcome.
Speak to your GP or seek professional help from a counsellor or support group so you can learn coping strategies to manage the urge – trichotillomania.co.uk can offer support and more information.
My support pack, Losing Your Hair? should also help.
SHOULD I CUT OFF SELFISH OLD PAL?
DEAR DEIDRE: I’M at my breaking point with my friend, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep making excuses for his neglect and selfish behaviour.
I’m 36, he’s 37, and we’ve been mates since we were in primary school together.
For years now, every time there’s a slight disagreement or misunderstanding, he disappears on me without a word for months or years.
There have been so many times when I’ve been struggling, dealing with personal issues – like losing my dad or breaking up with a girlfriend – and all I needed was a kind word from him.
Yet, every time I’ve been met with silence.
I’m sick of putting in effort for someone who doesn’t seem to care about me at all.
Should I just walk away?
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s clear you’ve given a lot to this friendship, and it’s understandable that you’re feeling hurt and exhausted.
It can be deeply painful to feel constantly let down by someone you care about.
True friendships are built on mutual respect and support, and if your friend consistently withdraws when you need him most, it’s perfectly reasonable to reconsider the relationship.
Trust your feelings. If this cycle continues, you need to decide if this friendship is healthy for you.
As hard as it may be, letting go might be the best way forward.
WIFE HAS USED ME AS DOORMAT
DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER 15 years, two kids and giving her countless chances, I finally realise I’ve been treated like a doormat by my wife.
I’m 45 and she’s 42, and in the early days of our relationship, she was secretly meeting a man she used to date.
She had him over at our house while I was at work, had him picking her up from nights out, and would spend all her time texting him.
When I found out and confronted her about it, she gaslighted me – convincing me I was paranoid.
She insisted it was just friendship – and looking back, I know I was stupid for letting it slide.
Things seemed to settle when we had kids. She stopped seeing him, and I thought we had finally found our footing. But now, history is repeating itself.
I work full-time, while also raising our kids nearly single-handed and doing all the housework, and she is on social media or watching TV.
When I noticed her becoming secretive with her phone, I tried to talk to her, but she blew up, gaslighted me again, and told me to leave.
She later admitted she’s seeing someone else.
Now I’m at a complete loss. After everything I’ve stood by her through, she’s taken me for a fool.
DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve carried this relationship for far too long. It’s no wonder you feel used, broken and betrayed.
You’ve worked hard for your family and marriage but your wife hasn’t been willing to meet you halfway.
It’s time to put yourself and your happiness first. Let her know you’re ready to walk unless she starts to make an effort.
But it won’t be easy either way. I would strongly recommend seeing a relationship therapist to help you work through your best next steps – tavistockrelationships.org has reputable counsellors.
