Dear Deidre

I HAVE just had a brief dead-end affair with a guy in my office. The sex was OK but it’s better at home with the man I love.

I cheat on my husband again and again. I wish I could stop but I can’t.

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My colleague is one of those guys who seems to like being at work more than being at home.

He’s 42 and married with kids, but a terrible flirt. He’s up for a drink after work every night of the week.

I know what he’s like but he knows how to flatter and made me feel good. There’s a black hole inside me that shouts out for love and attention — whoever it’s from.

We went for a drink at the end of the day and that drink led to three or four more.

There’s a black hole inside me that shouts out for love and attention — whoever it’s from.

He said he had to go back to the office to pick up some files. I went with him and then we got kissing and ended up having sex on the floor.

The next week we did it again, and the week after that. Then I said it must stop. He didn’t seem overly bothered when I said, “Enough is enough”.

I’ve been with my husband for eight years. He’s 36 and I’m 34.

We have two lovely girls and I love him a lot, but I’ve cheated on him more than a dozen times since we got together.

He deserves so much better than me and I so hate behaving like this but it’s like I have no self-control.

I know my husband is faithful to me and the guilt eats away at me constantly. I wish I could tell him the truth just to make me feel better but I’m scared that he wouldn’t forgive me. I’m afraid that he’d leave.

I don’t want to keep on this way any more — but I do it again and again. I feel out of control.

DEIDRE SAYS: You know this must stop. Sooner or later the word will get around and your husband is bound to find out.  

He may love you a lot, he may try to forgive you, but it would damage your marriage badly.

Why do you do it? The answer is right there in your letter, that black hole inside you that never gets filled.

You’re loved by your husband but that’s not enough. You’re constantly craving the buzz of attention and the reassurance that you really are wanted and worthy of love.

How was your childhood? If you grew up in a home where there wasn’t much love the resulting insecurity and low self-esteem can last a lifetime. You’re on a quest to find something to blot out that pain.

Talking to a counsellor can help you to change. Find the right help through British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (, 01455 883 300).

Got a problem?  Write to Deidre here.  Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. You can also private message on the Facebook page. Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).

I may wed, but I can't forget old fling

Dear Deidre

MY girlfriend wants to get married and start a family. I want that, too, but I’m not sure I want it with her.

We’ve been together for a year. She’s 26 and a really nice girl and I know that she loves me a lot. I’m 32.

The stupid thing is I’m still madly in love with a girl I went out with just once. We were friendly at college for years but we never got close.

Years later we got back in touch and were messaging daily. We met up for lunch and it went really well.

Then we arranged a second meeting but she let me down at the last minute. She said she was scared of spoiling our friendship.

Then she told me she had found someone new and was going for a relationship with him. I was gutted.

I can’t get her off my mind. I keep thinking I should have just come out and said how I felt – but now it’s too late.

DEIDRE SAYS: If you want to be sure, message her to say you still think about her, and ask how she feels about you. Then you will know.

I wonder if the reason you’re thinking of her is simply because you’re not really in love with your girlfriend. If that’s the case, let her down gently.

I want to date my cousin's daughter

Dear Deidre

I AM dating my cousin’s daughter but some of the family are not happy about it – how do I convince them that it is OK?

I’m in a real dilemma since I met this girl a few weeks ago at a family wedding. She was not brought up in the family and had nothing to do with her dad – my cousin – until the past few months when she got in touch with him and I got to meet her.

She is lovely, funny and we just have so much in common. We are like peas in a pod. She is 17, I am 19.

We have been texting and now chat every day on the phone. I want us to start dating and she says she wants that very much too.

We do not need our family to approve but we are a close bunch and it would make it so much easier if everyone was on our side.

DEIDRE SAYS: It is OK for cousins to date and even marry under UK law.

You can date if you choose but you are young and romance may only be short-lived. Get to know her better first.

If you are right for one another, family members will see that and hopefully be more open to you two dating.

He calls me “Mama” sometimes and it all feels so wrong

Dear Deidre

I’VE been breastfeeding my husband for nearly two years. I can’t go on living this way.

I’m 30 and he’s 29. It began when my daughter was born.

I decided to breastfeed my baby, and my husband said, jokingly, “I want some too.” I agreed but I wish I’d said no.

It’s all got too much as my husband is no longer gentle with me. He calls me “Mama” sometimes and it all feels so wrong. When I say it must stop he just breaks down and cries.

He hurts my nipples so much I had to stop breastfeeding my daughter.

DEIDRE SAYS: Maybe he missed out on maternal attention as a child, but that doesn’t excuse him hurting you and imposing his will over yours. It’s abusive.

Be firm that this must stop. My e-leaflet Standing Up For Yourself will help.

Insist he gets help through COSRT, the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (, 020 8543 2707).

He never sends texts any more

Dear Deidre

THE guy I’ve been seeing has changed. He used to text me every night saying, “How was your day?” But that’s stopped and I feel like I’m being used.

I’ve known him for four months. I’m 24 and he’s 28. He makes me laugh and we get on quite well. He’s got no money or job and he lives with his dad. We go for a drink or a burger and I always pay.

He never sends texts any more and I’ve heard that he boasts to his mates that I pay for everything. Last night I sent him a long message saying just how I felt about this. He’s seen it but hasn’t replied. What should I do?

DEIDRE SAYS: Don’t do anything. I’d say it’s best if you let this one go. What are you getting from this? Not even a friendly text.

My bet is he won’t reply to your text and that’s all to the good. You’ll save on your money and time.

My e-leaflet Finding The Love Of Your Life will help you find someone who cares.

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